Politicians and Whales commonalities

Aside from the fact they are both oversized hot air blowing gasbags, they seem to have their own language. I am not responsible for the liberal use of the word "That" in the following article:

We know that they make noises, often highly complicated ones, and at some length. Some scientists have speculated that these sounds are, like the songs of humpback whales, designed to attract a mate or communicate over long distances.

Indeed, ordinary citizens also have a number of responses and calls they use to communicate with the political class; these sounds are almost as mysterious.

Now, after decades of exhaustive research, this paper is proud to present the first decoding of political speech, also known as "bafflegab."

- "The Canadian people do not want an election right now!"

Translation: Our party cannot win an election right now. We looked at the poll numbers, and too many people still remember that thing we did, with the bags of money and the squid. Maybe next year.

- "The Canadian people want an election!"

Translation: We are so going to kick the other party's keester. Everyone's so hung up on the squid incident they've forgotten about the time we gave all their SIN card data to that shifty guy.

- "This is the beginning of a new way of doing business!"

Translation: We are going to get into a pointless fight with our own bureaucrats.


- "We will stand up for the little guy."

Translation: Especially if he bought a $1,000 plate at that last fundraising dinner.

- "The era of corrupt government is finally at an end."

Translation: The era of corrupt government will now enter a brief hiatus. Expect resumption of corruption any time between next Thursday and two years from now.

- "Tough on crime."

Translation: We will introduce a bill that demands the death penalty for trimming your toenails in a public place. It will die in committee when the session ends for Christmas. We will blame our opponents for this.

- "Judicial activism."

Translation: We will now score political points by calling judges a lot of names. How can you trust someone wearing a black dress and a wig, anyway?

- "Environmentally friendly."

Translation: The environment minister's new car is a Prius. On a six-month loan. His other vehicle is still that SUV, of course. How else do you expect him to get his golf clubs to the course to play with the oil company lobbyists?

- "The government must listen to the people!"

Translation: The government should do exactly what my narrowly-focused pressure group says. If they do not, we will whine so loud it will make your eardrums burst.

- "We will use technology to communicate directly with the Canadian people, enhancing democracy and promoting unity."

Translation: You will never find our website. If you do, you will not find the page you are looking for. If you find the page, it will not contain the information you need. If you manage to leave a comment, it will be treated as spam.

- "This government has been the worst disaster to hit this country in decades!"

Translation: Please, please don't remember the last time we were in power!

- "Candidate X may seem stiff/awkward/nerdy, but in private he is warm and funny, a great raconteur, and a true gentleman."

Translation: He has not yet been photographed biting the head off a puppy.

Source: Surrey Now